Closure

The last few days have found my thoughts filling toward many ideas of closure. Last night I finally copied the last of David's 43 microSD cards. The man stored everything on these cards. He used them in a similar fashion to the way I use my thumbdrives. All his documents are scanned and stored in .pdf or .jpeg formats.  His work products are also stored on these cards, as are his childhood photographs and videos. The tax returns I had prepared for him, all were stored on a single microSD Card. He separated them once again  into smaller sub-folders for both regular and contractual employment.

Sorry for the distraction. This last week what caught my attention was a set of nine videos. Each appeared  to take place in some shared lawn area near his Mamo (grandmother)'s home. They are rather easy to date as one of his older cousins celebrates a birthday at this annual gathering. Subtract three candles off the cake and you have David's age. At the fourteenth birthday party a very different David enters the lawn area. Where the years before he had been an open and gregarious little boy who called the camera over with his entire  body, the sparkling green eyes are now closed off, guarded and protected.  He spends his time, not in the middle of the common area as years before, but literally on the outskirts of the family gathering. He doesn't want to see or be seen. The following year, by lunch time he is half way to inebriated. None of the adults appear upset one way or another by this. David is twelve.

Viewing these videos really began my mind wandering. What could be so upsetting to a young boy that we see on video such a change in behavior? The first thing to pass through my head was the Irish Catholic Church scandal . If this was the case I do not believe David would have converted to the Orthodox Faith. That would not be his style. I firmly hold that his conversion was political, as many of his decisions were in life.

Perhaps he witnessed something violent. Considering his place of birth as well as his socio-economic status this is a very real possibility. So into Google I went. 1985 Belfast, 1985 Troubles Northern Ireland.  Once I geographically narrowed down my search to rid myself of soccer scores I went to YouTube.  It was here that I hit paydirt. I found videotapes of news broadcasts. Men murdered peacefully. Armed stand-offs. Multiple funeral Masses, some featuring masked IRA volunteers standing above graves. These men fire their unregistered weapons in honor of the fallen. The Irish Tricolor flag is placed over coffins in one last, and illegal, act of defiance. The most disturbing of all of this is the calm with which this was reported, as if it was common news.

Earlier today I spoke with the Medical Examiner's office. I explained that Paul and I both  suspected that David's toxicology screen would light up like a Christmas Tree for opiates/alcohol/cocaine/benzodizapaimes and phenobarbital. How could it not when he had received many of these drugs as prescribed, and when did not he had access, he had the desire and ability to purchase them.  She agreed, and let me know unless something unexpected shows up the results should not affect the cause of death, which is still pneumonia. She said something about the tox screen also having results that may affect a parallel investigation. I have no idea what she is talking about, nor do I honestly care unless it impacts me. Its been a hard few weeks and I'm learning to become selfish. Kill me.

Finally, I had the chance after over a decade to talk to David's Mum in Belfast. She is such a wonderful, strong and beautiful woman. We shared over an hour of our time together today, and this is before we made plans to meet up in Manchester at the end of my New Orleans trip. She told me she knew she had lost her son forever the day I walked out on him  She explained that from the way he had talked about me and acted when we were together, if that did not stop him from using, she knew her son was unaware of his own priorities.

I needed to hear that. More importantly, I needed to hear it from his mother. The last few weeks I have felt as if I am constantly searching for who I am. The thing is, I've known who I am the entire time. It was my relationship with the other players that was starting to define me. I no longer feel that I am betraying my husband if I miss David. I know the only person I would be cheating is myself if I start feeling guilty about missing Paul while he is away. Her words released me to feel again.