Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Out the door

Just like good dutiful Jane should, I filed my time card before sitting down to write this. It is not like I actually was doing work for the majority of the day though. Instead my time was spent attempting to make coffee at work and make some lunch, during which the new building systems power shorted out on me, twice. I spent more time than I should have on Facebook chat through my husband's telephone. I curled up into a ball. Then I tried to cry again. At one point good dutiful Jane almost punched the wall next to her computer monitor. That would have brought in the necessary change in my day, shouldn't it?

Then why, oh why, am I still half crying, half angry, half filled with mixed emotions that don't have any place at all? Perhaps it is simple. Perhaps I am suffering from HALT. That pesky buzzword stands for Hungry (have not eaten a bite since last evening), Angry (my friend and ex-boyfriend David just died of AIDS before he hit 40, my husband Paul is dying from a neurological system that is breaking down, my close sister is abusing cocaine) Loneliness (the only person inside my house right now is the ex in his box of ashes while my husband is over at rehab) and Tired (Last night my sleep consisted of two hours in broken up periods between replays of Guns And Roses meant to block out said sister from being in my visual or audio range).

This are only the large things that good, dutiful Jane is dealing with. She also feels responsible for two seven year old children who lost their father to AIDS and their abusive mother to the court system because good, dutiful Jane did what she was taught and called Child Protective Systems on the twins. Jane is also in charge of their entire trust for the next eleven years as her day job is good, dutiful Certified Public Accountant.

Then there is the matter of souls for you see in her night job, Jane is a good dutiful caregiver to her husband and their friends. When friends are at times of need it is to Jane the nurses naturally turn and to whom they listen. Therefor it is Jane's responsibility to make sure all aspects of these friends physical, social and religious care are taken care of properly.   In other words, Jane had no reason to doubt David many years ago. If he said he was going out weekly to take a class offered by the local college, that should have been the end of it. Instead after his death she learns he was attending courses at the local Orthodox Church. WTF?

So when a friend presents himself as an atheist, good dutiful Jane has no reason to doubt this fact until it is too late. By too late I do not mean M*A*S*H version of last rights on the big toe, I mean dead, out the other end of the crematorium and died in mortal sin type of too late. The kind of sin you can not just wish away because it will make you feel better but the get your ass to confession last week type of mortal sin. The "I chose to end life giving treatment" aka suicide type of sin.

Add all these new jobs to good, dutiful Jane's current job as a pregnant CPA and you can begin to see why she is beginning to unwind at the ends. When does the world stop for good, dutiful people? When is their job over, and someone else fill in for soul duty?

Yeah, I didn't think you would either, but it never hurt to ask..

1 comment:

  1. Oh good, dutiful Jane has a right to be mad and sad, and should give herself a break. I can see why you are looking forward to NOLA!

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